May 14, 2013

Why aren’t they restricting condoms?

Posted by Leigh Hofheimer under Politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
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Not exactly on point, but I got what my teenager was asking. Even she gets the double-standard of the Obama administration’s position on emergency contraception. She asked, “If they think that making it easy for girls to get emergency contraception means that they are going to have more sex, then why do boys get to buy condoms without any problems?” This is mind-boggling coming after President Obama’s speech at the Planned Parenthood Conference: “When it comes to a woman’s health, no politician should get to decide what’s best for you.”condoms

Why do I have a problem with the government policy? Because of all the barriers: you must be 15, you must have a government-issued or photo id (not something all schools provide), you must purchase it in a store that has a stand-alone pharmacy (rare in rural and remote communities), and it is expensive—even though Medicaid covers other over-the-counter medicines like condoms.

We have plenty of evidence-based scientific studies proving that emergency contraception is safe, prevents ovulation, and cannot terminate an existing pregnancy. We have research that shows the dramatic decline in unintended teen pregnancy and abortion rates when teens learn how to use contraception more effectively.

We also know that teens who are abused experience birth control sabotage, pressure to get pregnant, and significantly higher rates of unintended pregnancy. Emergency contraception is important because negotiating birth control methods is awkward in any relationship, but it’s nearly impossible if you’ve got an abusive partner who wants control.

 

April 23, 2013

Bare-naked question

Posted by Tyra Lindquist under Domestic Violence Advocacy | Tags: , , , , , , , , |
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I have a question for you.

Do you think it’s even possible to end violence against women and children?

I’m serious. Is it possible for everyone to have healthy relationships, or is violence against women inevitable?

This is a question I’ve taken to posing recently, because as I approach the end of my long career, I want to know.

Maybe people—you, me, the guy sitting next to you—don’t believe this is possible. When I actually ask people, “Is violence inevitable?” there’s often a long pause. Which is interesting.

Now granted, I’m three decades into doing this domestic violence victim advocacy work, so maybe I’m a little slow here, but it’s only now dawning on me that our current responses to violence in relationships are not getting the job done. Not for lack of trying. Not for lack of big-hearted and dedicated people. Not for lack of laws, money, programs, shelters, and jails. We’ve got all that. What we don’t have is resolve. I think maybe we don’t believe it’s possible.

But pretend, just for kicks, we do all believe we could have healthy relationships. I don’t mean perfect, I don’t mean we don’t argue and have hurt feelings. But relationships that are about love and respect.

Pretend we’re willing to think way outside of all the boxes (institutions) we’ve invented and dream up more effective social controls on sexism and abuse and common sense approaches to fostering health and happiness. Could we even agree on what those would be? And if we did all that, would we succeed?

 

March 19, 2013

Es solamente una bofetada de telenovelas (It’s just a soap opera slap)

Posted by Paola Morinigo under Popular Culture | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |
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(scroll down for English translation)

El otro día, mi pareja y yo estábamos mirando una comedia en la cual uno de los personajes principales iba a ser la dama de honor en la boda de su ex pareja. La women-slapcomedia continúa a través de una series de incidentes cómicos cuando de repente la dama de honor abofetea a su ex (y futura pareja al final de la película). Yo me encontré a carcajadas por la bofeteada e incluso pensando que la otra persona se lo merecía por haber sido tan desconsiderada. Pero segundos después comencé a cuestionar mi reacción. Ignorando mi propio consejo de que tenía que relajarme porque es solo una película, me puse a analizar la situación. ¡De todas maneras cuestionar mi posición acerca de quien se merece una bofetada me parece razonable! Me molestó que esa bofetada sea tan casual—casi normal. Nadie se disculpó. ¡Solamente sucedió! El hecho de que se trataba de una pareja del mismo género no cambio la sensación incómoda por la agresión. No es la primera vez que veo una  bofetada ocasional, al contrario estuvo presente en todas las telenovelas que seguí de adolescente y adulta. Incluso he visto bofetadas en novelas americanas como All My Children (Todos mis Niños), General Hospital (Hospital General) y también Modern Family (Familia Moderna).

Me puse a pensar de cuando hablamos de abuso en las relaciones, siempre hablamos de la presencia del poder y control como patrón de conducta. Algunos de nosotros creemos que un solo incidente de abuso no es suficiente para calificar a la relación de abusiva. ¿Sería entonces apropiado que nos riéramos si una persona recibe una bofetada sólo una vez? ¿O estas bofetadas ocasionales que vemos en las telenovelas y películas nos llevan a aceptar la violencia que ocurre en las relaciones reales? Personalmente, yo creo que las bofetadas ocasionales que vemos en la televisión promueven violencia y en algunos contextos contribuyen a varios sistemas de opresión. Ahora, ¿deberíamos de parar de mirar las películas y telenovelas que tanto nos gustan porque esto ocurre? Independientemente de la respuesta, me gustaría alentar a las personas a reconocer la bofetada ocasional la próxima vez que la vean. Incluso tal vez puedan hablar con alguien acerca de ello. Quizás pueden decir, “que buena película o episodio pero ¿qué pensaste de la bofetada?

******

My sweetie and I were watching a romantic comedy the other day in which one of the main characters was asked to be the Maid of Honor for her ex—a woman she is still in love with. The plot continues through a series of comic events that lead to the Maid of Honor suddenly slapping the bride (her ex- and future lover)! I caught myself laughing and even thinking that the person at the end of that slap deserved it for all the pain she had caused. But then I started to question my reaction. I decided to ignore my own advice that I should relax because it’s just a movie. After all, questioning one’s judgment of who deserves to be slapped seems to me to be a reasonable standard to have. It bothered me that the slap seemed so casual—almost acceptable. It just happened. No one even apologized! The fact that it was a same-gendered couple did not make it any less troublesome to me. I am not unfamiliar with the occasional movie slap—they are ubiquitous to the telenovelas I watched growing up. I have also seen them on All My Children, General Hospital, and even Modern Family.

It got me thinking, when we discuss abuse in relationships we always talk about power and control as a pattern of behavior. Some of us believe that a one-time incident is not enough to call a relationship abusive. So, is it ok to laugh if someone gets slapped just one time? Or do these occasional slaps in the movies and telenovelas lead us to accept real-life violence in relationships? Personally, I believe that the occasional slap does promote violence and oppression. Now, should we stop watching the movies and soap operas that we enjoy so much because of it? Either way, I would encourage you to acknowledge a slap the next time you see it. Maybe talk to someone about it. Say, “What a great movie/episode, but what do you think about that slap?”

 

March 12, 2013

How do you get someone to be your ex-boyfriend?

Posted by Kelly Starr under Prevention | Tags: , , , |
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“No one is too young to talk about relationships” is a favorite mantra of mine. But the truth is, I haven’t exactly been practicing what I preach. My kids are 7 and 4 already, and I haven’t made relationship-talk a regular part of dinner conversation. So when the opportunity presented itself the other day, I jumped on it.

My 7-year-old daughter was listening to the radio when (shockingly) a Taylor Swift song came on.

“All of her songs are about the same thing,” my daughter observed.

Yeah, what’s that?taylor-swift

You know, like boys and girls and stuff.

You’re right, her songs are all like that. Do know what having a boyfriend or girlfriend means?

Yeah.

What?

Like when you like one person a lot and kind of spend time with one person more. And say they’re your boyfriend.

Do people talk about that sort of thing at school?

Stop asking me so many questions!

Ok.

I know what an ex-boyfriend is too. When someone was your boyfriend and now they’re not.

Exactly. How do you know so much?

From Anna (summer camp counselor). She has a boyfriend and an ex- boyfriend. How do you get someone to be your ex-boyfriend?

That’s a great question! Usually you find a time to go and talk with them. Sometimes it helps if you think about what you want to say ahead of time. And then you tell them that you don’t want them as a boyfriend anymore.

Oh, ok. Can I have a snack?

Now, do I think this little chat is going to protect my daughter from ever being in an abusive relationship? Of course not. But I’m glad we took the first step towards making talking about relationships a habit.

 

March 5, 2013

I married my partner

Posted by Margaret Hobart under Marriage/Family | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |
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I married my partner of 20+ years December 9th, at Seattle’s joy-filled city hall. Families, friends, and friendly strangers gathered to cheer on the newly married couples as they descended a grand staircase. It was quite a party.

Getting married is an ambivalent thing for me, as I have been shut out of that institution for a long time. And I’ve seen the very painful, dark side of marriage in my professional life. Let’s face it, the history of marriage is one of women giving their bodies, emotional support, and physical labor to men. And still to this day, this idea and the support it gets in society narrows women’s choices and harms children—in some marriages. So why would I want to participate?

Photo by joseanavas

Photo by joseanavas

It’s complicated, because marriage is complicated. Our society uses marriage in multiple ways: as a symbol of love and commitment; as a way to access certain legal rights; and to define an economic relationship and expectations. And, historically, as a way to enforce gender roles that give men/husbands the upper hand in decisions about money and priorities in the family. At the same time, marriage is evolving, and extending marriage to same sex partners is part of a long history of changes we’ve made to marriage so that it reflects our current reality.

Since I’ve been in my relationship for over 20 years, getting married didn’t carry quite the same weight as it did for my parents. They were excited to live together for the first time, be independent of their parents, and finally “go all the way.” Um, that all happened a long time ago for me. What motivated me was something my parents and straight friends didn’t give much thought to: having protections and rights that only come with marriage. I wanted to be ensured I could be at my partner’s side if she should end up in the hospital; have the ability to make medical decisions if she were incapacitated; and know that if one of us dies, our assets will transfer smoothly to one another. Marriage makes the legal world out there safer for us and our daughter. So our marriage was a pragmatic decision.

But I was surprisingly moved as well. I think I had willfully ignored all the ways in which marriage symbolizes positive things in our culture: love, hope, the caring and kindness between people. My jaded cynicism was tempered by the joy that broke out when the voters legalized marriage equality. Watching LGBTQ couples celebrating their marriages gave me more hope for all of us, because it happened in spite of the challenges a homophobic culture places in the way of LBGTQ people creating healthy relationships.

For that reason, I think my marriage and other gay marriages may have something to teach everyone. They are part of the ongoing evolution of marriage from a system of ownership and entitlement to an institution that nurtures healthy love, human potential, and beloved community. As a very wise friend of mine (who married her beloved of 40 years) says, “everyone benefits and is honored by extending civil rights for all, and from recognizing and embracing the power of love and justice.” We are all uplifted when we extend dignity to those who have been denied rights.

Of course, and very importantly, the other thing that gay marriage gets us is gay divorce. This is a good thing because no community is immune to violence, control, and just plain old dysfunction. Ending a complex and long term relationship requires assistance, protection, and justice.

I’m happy to be married. I am moved to have my state and city celebrate and recognize my relationship and those of all my LGBTQ friends. I am relieved to have the rights and protections that come with marriage. And I’m glad to know that if I should need it, I can get a divorce as well. Because no one’s marriage should take away a person’s ability to make their own choices, follow their dreams, or protect themselves and their children.

 

February 27, 2013

Good work

Posted by Ilene Stohl under Marriage/Family | Tags: , , , |
1 Comment 
Photo by Intemporelle at Erin Lassahn Photography

Photo by Intemporelle at Erin Lassahn Photography

Many who know me, know that I have an unabashed love for Ben Affleck. I used to try to keep it under wraps, but after his acceptance speech for Argo at the Oscars on Sunday, I am going public. When talking about his marriage, he said, “it is work, but it’s the best kind of work…and there’s no one I’d rather work with.” I love that. Yes, relationships (even the great ones) are often hard work. That is a message worth sharing.

 

February 26, 2013

Red flags are not a road map

Posted by Jake Fawcett under Abuse | Tags: , , , |
1 Comment 

As teen dating violence awareness month comes to an end, I have been thinking about red flags—those behaviors that are warning signs for abuse. Most of the lists I have seen leave me wondering: what am I supposed to do if I spot a red flag in my relationship? Do I flee at the first sight of red, or should I talk to the person I’m dating about it? If I’m uncomfortable, do I have to wait to see if things turn abusive before calling it quits? And if there are no red flags does that mean my relationship is golden?

Red flags tell us something is wrong, but for this information to be useful we also have to know what to do next. With this in mind, I set out to make a flow chart that answered my questions. Click on the image below to get this to a readable size and let me know what you think!

Red-Flags

 

February 5, 2013

Con la camiseta bien puesta (Wearing my values)

Posted by Gabriela Alor under Marriage/Family | Tags: , , , , , , , |
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(scroll down for English translation)

En mi proceso de ser una mejor mamá y aprendiendo a educar con amor incondicional a mi hijo, he adquirido ciertas herramientas. Una de las cuales es el entender la importancia de aplicar las 3Cs– constancia, consistencia y congruencia – en todo lo referente a mi hijo. También, he descubierto que esto lo puedo  llevar a todas mis relaciones, particularmente la que llevo conmigo misma. Toda relación humana implica un esfuerzo constante.

superwomanPero bueno una cosa es hablar de las 3Cs y otra muy diferente llevarlas a la practica en mi diario vivir, y especialmente como feminista en un mundo patriarcal. Y por favor, con feminismo no estoy hablando de odio al hombre, en lo absoluto, tengo un marido al que amo y un hijo varón al que adoro! Hablo de la convicción de que hombres y mujeres tenemos derechos a las mismas oportunidades. No obstante, ayer por un momento pensé que mi vida era más facil antes de comprometerme como feminist. Sin embargo, no puedo simplemente cerrar mis ojos y darle la espalda a mi compromiso, fingir lo que no soy y participar conscientemente en el patriarcado! Simplemente no puedo, ya desperté y no hay marcha atrás, o tal vez haya pero no me haría felíz. Verdaderamente creo que hombres y mujeres merecemos tener los mismo derechos y oportunidades en todo momento y a todos los niveles.

OK, entonces, el punto es, ¿cómo ser leal conmigo misma? y ¿como vivir mi feminsmo dia a dia? Porque no puedo ser femista en mi trabajo, luchar por la equidad y llegando a casa, quitarme la camiseta y dejar esos valores en la puerta. De hacerlo le estaría dando a mi hijo un ejemplo contradictorio sobre la lucha de género, de equidad y del verdadero feminismo. Tiendo a jugar el papel de la “mujer perfecta” donde trabajo, soy ama de casa y una mamá disponible las 24 horas. Y por supuesto esto no funciona y agota física y emocionalmente. Cabe añadir que definitivamente no esta dando el ejemplo de equidad que yo aspiro para mi pequeño. ¡Así que la camiseta la llevo puesta todo el tiempo! De esta manera, al final del día cuando veo a mi pequeño hijo de 4 años ser testigo de como día a día trato de mantener mi camiseta puesta, me siento orgullosa pues desde su privilegiado mundo tendrá la oportunidad de cambiar este sistema patriarcal desde  adentro, aportando con su ejemplo de vida a una mejor sociedad.

Y a tí, ¿te es fácil llevar la camiseta puesta?

******

In my process of trying to be a better mom and learning how to parent with unconditional love, I have obtained some tools and skills. For instance, I have learned to use the 3 C’s—constancy, consistency and congruency—with my son. Recently, I discovered that the 3 C’s can be applied to all my relationships, including my relationship with myself.  After all, all relationships require hard work on a daily basis.

But it’s one thing to talk about these 3 C’s and another very different thing to use them in daily life, especially as a feminist living in a patriarchal world. Please, do not misunderstand me. I am not talking about hating men, not at all. I have a husband that I love and a son that I adore. What I am talking about is my conviction that men and women should have equal opportunities.

Nevertheless, I had a moment yesterday when I realized that in some ways my life was easier before feminism became such a key part of who I am.  Of course, I can’t just close my eyes and betray myself by deliberately going along with the patriarchy. I just can’t. My eyes have been opened! I could go back to my old self, but I would never be happy. I truly believe that men and women deserve the same rights and opportunities—all the time, in all ways.

OK then, my question is how can I be loyal to myself and live as a true feminist every day? I can’t be fighting for equality at work, and then go home and leave those values at the door. I don’t want to mislead my son about what equality in a relationship looks like. I tend to take on the role of super woman, trying to work, and take care of the house, and be there for my son 24 hours a day. Of course that doesn’t work, and I exhaust myself physically and emotionally. Clearly that is not giving my son the example of equality that I aspire to.

So I am re-committing to living out my feminist values 24/7! And at the end of the day when I see our 4-year-old observing me as I figure this out, I feel proud. Because from his privileged world, he will have the opportunity to change this patriarchal system from within. My example at home will provide him with skills to make a better society.

Now tell me, are you living your values 24/7? How is it working for you?

 

September 25, 2012

How’s your relationship?

Posted by Kelly Starr under Domestic Violence Advocacy | Tags: , , , |
[2] Comments 

I met a friend out for dinner the other night. We hadn’t even opened our menus, when she turned to me and asked, “How’s your marriage?” Now this is a very good friend of mine—we hang out all the time and talk about everything. And yet, I was totally caught off guard by the question.

It turns out that she had just learned a friend was getting a divorce. She was shocked because they seemed to be happy. In fact, they’d been drifting apart and unhappy with their relationship for years, but just never said anything. And why not? Well, no one ever asked and it seemed too personal to bring up. So my friend decided she’d start the conversation with all her friends.

As a domestic violence advocate, I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve been asked: “How can you tell if someone is in an abusive relationship? What are the red flags I should look for before saying something?” I can’t help but wonder, why do we spend so much time and energy trying to figure out if there’s a problem before we feel like we can ask about it? I mean, why wait?

Seems like it’d be a lot easier for our friends to turn to us when things aren’t going well, if chatting about our relationships was something we already did. So I say, don’t wait until you’re worried—just ask now.

 

September 4, 2012

Reproductive justice

Posted by Jake Fawcett under Politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , |
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We rarely talk about unintended pregnancy as one of the consequences of domestic violence. But of course it is. Rape and coerced sex are a very, very common part of survivors’ experience. Most of us assume that pregnancies are either intended or “accidents.” But that doesn’t account for the kind of rape that happens in abusive relationships, or the host of tactics batterers use to control when and how their partners get pregnant: forcing her to have unprotected sex; pressuring her to get pregnant; refusing to use condoms; sabotaging her birth control.

According to the CDC, 1 in every 21 women in the U.S. has had a partner try to get her pregnant against her will. Women and teen girls with abusive husbands or boyfriends are five times more likely than other women to get pregnant when they don’t want to be. These are not accidents—there is no better way for an abuser to secure the financial and legal bonds that make it much more difficult to leave safely and nearly impossible to leave completely.

Recent political conversations about “legitimate rape” are willfully ignorant not just of medical science, but of women’s experience. Women choose abortion for many complex reasons, among them rape and battering. For some women, ending a pregnancy is the safest and most life affirming choice they can make. Access to abortion and emergency contraception is fundamental. But it is not enough.

Reproductive justice means defending women’s control over their own bodies and at the same time fighting for the resources communities need to support families. A woman can’t truly have free choice without the conditions that allow her to raise a child with dignity: relationships free from violence and coercion, quality health care, economic opportunity, access to education, safe and affordable housing, strong neighborhoods, clean water and air. We should channel some of our anger over politicians’ comments about rape into demanding policies that value all women, children, and families.

 

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