Ilene Stohl

From there to here

I started doing domestic violence advocacy in 1994. It is 2015. Wow. Just wow. But this post isn’t about feeling old. Instead it’s about how amazing this work to end violence and support survivors is. One of the things I love most is how I am continually changing my mind about things. Here are just a few examples of where I was (and maybe you were too) 21 years ago and where we are today.

From beds to bedrooms

We used to focus on how many beds we had, stuffing survivors and their children into all the nooks and crannies of our shelters with that elusive goal of “safety” looming over our heads. Now we’ve realized that dignity is actually what we are looking for. We are working to create empowering spaces where survivors get their needs for self-determination, security, and connection met. And we’re doing things to support families, like creating quiet spaces where kids can do their homework. Keeping families together and supporting survivors to get what they need is what matters most, not how many beds our overflowing shelter can hold.

From safety to safer

I have learned so much from Jill Davies’ and Eleanor Lyon’s new book. They argue that while safety from an abuser is critical, to be truly safe “requires more than the absence of physical violence. A victim who is no longer hit by a partner but has no way to feed her children or pay the rent is not safe.…Victims are safe when there is no violence, their basic human needs are met, and they experience social and emotional well-being.” So that means helping survivors experience less violence, more economic stability, and greater well-being is the true heart of meaningful advocacy.

From intervention to prevention

OK, let’s be honest, I wasn’t even thinking about prevention in 1994. In fact it hadn’t yet occurred to me that domestic violence was preventable. But guess what, it is! As critical as it is to help people in need, we also need to spend energy on stopping the violence before it starts. And this is an exciting time as we are figuring out how to actually do that. We’re creating a whole new language to help us get to a world where beloved community and better relationships exist—it is all so exciting! I can’t wait to see how many more things I change my mind about in the future.

She can’t wear that to kindergarten

We had a nice and sunny day the other day. In fact we had a few. And on one of those days, my 4-year-old daughter (who has a great fashion sense—which everyone knows does not come from me) got dressed and as we were getting into the car, my son commented that when she goes to kindergarten next week she won’t be allowed to wear “those shorts.”

Now, I’ve written before about my rants discussions with my son about sexism, but you know who really needs to hear my rant? The school. (And don’t worry—they will.) A school which in most regards I love. It is a school that embodies beloved community—their motto is that students will be responsible, respectful, and safe. It has more parents involved than I ever imagined possible. I like the teachers. I like the principal. And yet, here, in this beautiful place, they are sexualizing kindergarteners by having a dress code that includes edicts like “no spaghetti strap tank tops” and “no short shorts.” Sexualizing you say? Yes sexualizing. Why else would you make gender-specific dress code requirements? I’m sure they’d cite the usual reason: “distraction.” But shouldn’t we have higher expectations for people to not objectify young girls?

I cannot believe that this is the world we live in. Not only do I have to plead with my daughter to not wear pajamas, but I also have to police whether her shorts are too short or her straps too much like spaghetti. Our job as parents is hard enough—please don’t force sexism into it. There’s enough of that out there already.

Breaking Up

Introduction to Love Like This, Asking out, Making a move, Keeping in touch vs. keeping tabs, Jealousy, Fighting fair, Breaking up

Fighting fair

Introduction to Love Like This, Asking out, Making a move, Keeping in touch vs. keeping tabs, Jealousy, Fighting fair, Breaking up

Jealousy

Introduction to Love Like This, Asking out, Making a move, Keeping in touch vs. keeping tabs, Jealousy, Fighting fair, Breaking up

Keeping in touch vs. keeping tabs

Introduction to Love Like This, Asking out, Making a move, Keeping in touch vs. keeping tabs, Jealousy, Fighting fair, Breaking up

Asking out

Introduction to Love Like This, Asking out, Making a move, Keeping in touch vs. keeping tabs, Jealousy, Fighting fair, Breaking up

Love Like This

I have been doing domestic violence work for a long time. Over the years, I have come across lists of the “red flags” or “warning signs” of abuse many times. These lists are helpful for sure. But you know what I’ve rarely come across? A list of what to do in relationships. I’ve seen definitions of healthy relationships, and even some concrete tips for how to get there, but not a whole lot. It got me thinking that we have spent so much time figuring out what an abusive relationship looks like and explaining that to folks, that we rarely take the time to talk about how to have a good relationship.

Healthy and fun relationships don’t just fall out of the sky (wouldn’t it be great if they did!), you have to work at it. So we’ve created something that we hope will help us share how to Love Like This (not like this). We’ll do that by illustrating some typical situations that occur in relationships and giving examples of how to deal with them in a healthy, loving, and respectful way, as opposed to an abusive, controlling, or coercive way. And bonus: it’s filled with cute illustrations of cats—true story.

Check out our Love Like This series and share with us how you are doing with your healthy relationship skills.

Asking out, Making a move, Keeping in touch vs. keeping tabs, Jealousy, Fighting fair, Breaking up

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