peace – Can You Relate?

Fear not, think this

I am not typically drawn to sensationalist articles titled “What Are You Afraid Of?” Mostly, because I already know.

But when Parade Magazine fell out of the Sunday paper last week, there was a cool cartoon on the cover so I flipped to the article.

Here are a few of the things you should and should not fear in 2015:

Flu not Ebola

Domestic violence not serial killers, pedophiles

Heart disease not Mercury in fish

Not getting enough dietary fiber not gluten

The re-appearance of measles, whooping cough, and other preventable diseases not vaccine side effects

Texting while driving not air travel…”

Note that domestic violence is number two on what we should actually fear.

Long before we feared flying in airplanes, long before airplanes, it served us to be afraid—of other animals that might eat us, things that go bump in the night, impending hunger or thirst. All this surviving through the millennia has landed us here—as beings with hyper-reactive fear centers in our brains that override rational thought.

But we humans are fortunate to also have lots of brain architecture dedicated to rational thought. This gives us access to things like ideas about what is right and wrong. About the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships. And about how to survive domestic violence or stop perpetrating it.

I’d like to suggest an alternative to the fear framework that recognizes the wide open spaces of the fully evolved human brain. How about…

Use your gigantic pre-frontal cortex to:

Outsmart sexism instead of fearing that violence against women is inevitable

Outthink racism instead of fearing that racial stereotypes are real and/or irreversible

Promote peace and prosperity instead of fearing that there simply is not enough to go around

Think, plan, and act instead of fearing that nothing can be done.

Empezando bien (A good start)

Posadas, Noche Buena, Navidad, Año Nuevo…¡cuánta celebración en tan poco tiempo! Tiempo para disfrutar en familia y con amigos queridos. Tiempo de reflexión y entrega. Tiempo de dar y recibir amor. ¡Me encanta ésta época!

Sí, ya sé que estas pensando, que las fiestas no fueron tan relajantes y que la familia a veces no es tan fácil, y que no descansaste como pensaste…pero podrías imaginar que éste ambiente de amor, de reflexión, de entrega, fuera possible y durara todo el año y no solo se intentara en una “época”. Imagina que tuvieramos el hábito de deternos y reflexionar más seguido, tomarnos el tiempo de conocernos, de saber que nos hace felices. Que aprendiermaos a escuchar nuestro yo interno y estar dispuesto a sanar todo lo que nos permiten vivir en paz. Porque el chiste de todo esto es vivir en paz, no crees?

Se que no es algo “sencillo” de realizar pero estoy segura que no es imposible. Es algo que require acción, no únicamente desearlo. Te invito a que este año que inicia comiences el hábito el tomarte el tiempo necesario para reflexionar, para descansar, para evaluar donde estas y a donde vas. No podemos mágicamente crear paz en nuestro corazón y a nuestro alrededor sin hacer algo al respecto día a día, no podemos mágicamente erradicar la violencia y vivir en un mundo de paz sólo con un abrir y cerrar de ojos. Todo lo que vale la pena tiene un precio, require una acción y un verdadero compromiso de nuestra parte. Iniciar con hacer las paces con uno mismo y amarnos tal cual somos. Este es mi propósito de Año Nuevo y probablemente requerirá acción constante y atención diaria a mi persona.

Felíz inicio de Año y mis mejores deseos para una vida mejor, empezando por uno mismo. Ahora sí, a trabajar en mí para ser ese cambio en el mundo que tanto quiero.

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Posadas, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year…so much to celebrate in so little time! A time to enjoy with family and dear friends. A time for reflection. A time to give and receive love. I love this season!

I know what you are thinking—that the season was not exactly relaxing, family are sometimes not so easy, and you are not as rested as you wanted to be. But could you imagine if this atmosphere of love and reflection was possible all year long and not just for one season? Imagine that we had the habit of stopping more often to reflect, taking the time to know ourselves and what makes us happy. That we could learn to listen to our inner self and be willing to heal all that does not allow us to live in peace. Because the point is to live in peace, isn’t it?

I know this is not as simple to do as it sounds, but I’m sure it’s not impossible. It is something that requires action, not just wishing for it. I invite you this New Year to make a habit of taking time to reflect, rest, and evaluate where you are and where you’re going. We cannot magically create peace in our hearts and around us without doing something about it every day. We cannot magically eradicate violence and live in a world of peace with just a blink of an eye. Everything worthwhile has a price; it requires an action and a real commitment on our part. It starts with making peace with ourselves and loving ourselves as we are, unconditionally. This is my New Year’s resolution and it will probably require constant action and daily attention.

Happy New Year and best wishes for a better life, starting with yourself. And now I’m off to start working on myself to be that living change that I want to see in our world.

Home for the holidays

This is my house. Even though I don’t spend as much time in it as I would like to, it is my anchor, my refuge, my home. I am particularly aware of—and grateful for—it at this time of year. When it’s cold and dark and chaotic outside, what’s inside is stable and familiar. During the next week, my house will be filled with family and friends, too much food, and traditions that define my observance of Christmas and the start of a new year. I will sleep in, watch movies on demand, knit, let my dog break a few rules (e.g., no sitting on the couch), pester my teenage son into multisyllabic conversation, and maybe even catch up on some overdue chores.

I don’t want to over-think this blog post. In fact, I need to take a break from thinking. And if you are reading this, my guess is that you might need a break too. A colleague recently told me that her “head hurts from thinking.” And do you know what? I believed her. Sometimes mine does too.

One of my favorite movement anthems is Sweet Honey in the Rock’s “Ella’s Song” which starts with “we who believe in freedom shall not rest…until it comes.” Actually, we who believe in freedom must rest. Freedom is going to take awhile, and it needs us, and so we must allow ourselves to rest.

Home is where I rest. It is the kind of home that I believe every person deserves to have. Oops, I’m starting to think again.

As we jettison toward 2014, I wish for you the comforts of home, the blessing of rest and, of course, peace on earth.

Summer reading

It’s summertime. Bye-bye, I’m heading to the beach.

It is inconceivable to me to go without a book. On my list this year: Zippy by Haven Kimmel, which I borrowed from my library and devoured in a few laugh-out-loud sessions. Truly a funny, poignant tale.

A particularly explosive guffaw of relief flew out of me as Kimmel recalled a violent episode in her childhood home when things could have gone terribly wrong, but didn’t. Her dad did not beat up her mother. She writes:

Mom told me, when I was old enough to ask, that she had learned the lesson from Mom Mary, Dad’s mother, who took her future daughter-in-law aside and told her that a woman has got to make herself absolutely clear, and early on. In Mom Mary’s own case, she waited until she and my grandfather Anthel were just home from their honeymoon, and then sat him down and told him this: “Honey, I know you like to take a drink, and that’s all right, but be forewarned that I ain’t your maid and I ain’t your punching-bag, and if you ever raise your hand to me you’d best kill me. Because otherwise, I’ll wait till you’re asleep; sew you into the bed; and beat you to death with a frying pan.” Until he died, I am told, my grandfather was a gentle man.

It reminded me of Mette’s mom’s theory about ending domestic violence—that women just need to get scarier than men. I asked Mette to ask her mother if it would be okay to share her theory. Her mom replied “Hell, yes. And I might add, I would be happy to teach classes on how to be scarier than anyone!”

In reality, there is nobody less scary than Mette’s mom Cindy. Though I have never given her cause to be fierce with me, I do believe she has that capacity.

And hence to the point. Fierce is different from scary.

I mean, I really do not want to be reduced to simply scary—to beating my chest louder and harder than the primate squatting next to me.

But to warn someone off with a metaphorical frying pan—with a “Don’t you dare disrespect or threaten me or our children”—is the essence of the fierceness Cindy could give lessons about.

Historically, we have turned to the police, courts, and prisons—institutions designed to simply scare people—to deal with domestic and sexual violence. It hasn’t worked.

A smattering of people are coming up with different approaches. Ideas for engaging men coming out of prison, using technology so abusive dads can have safe contact with their kids, and creating alternatives for batterers to seek help themselves, before police and courts get involved.

I am feeling very optimistic that we are on the cusp of making an evolutionary leap—from scary to fierce. From having only fear-based approaches that at best impose an unstable peace, to becoming resolutely fierce in defending the foundational worth and dignity of women and children. It’s time.

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